Attack of the Killer Trifle
by Fish-Inton
Summary: Read 'Attack Of The Killer Fruitcake' by Give Me Your Coffee before this. I thank her very muchly for allowing me to write this... sequel of sorts.
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: i do not own any of Thoms Harris' characters mentioned herein  
  
I would like to assure ~Coffee~ that this is not meant to be plagiarist in any way, I apologise if it is too much like the fruitcake story, I get like this on sugar-cubes!  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
It all began with those ordinary killer cardboard boxes. Those evil, ordinary killer cardboard boxes. Those evil, devious, but entirely innocent-looking killer cardboard boxes. The same killer cardboard boxes that won the KILLER CARDBOARD BOXES OF THE YEAR AWARD at the Official Hell Award Ceremony, which was presented to them by the late Anthony Hopkins, who has recently undergone a personality change and turned into Hannibal Lecter.  
  
ANYHOW!  
  
The cardboard boxes are still delivered by the even more infamous UPS (United Parcels for Satan), but now, there has been a major breakthrough! Now there is something even more deadly being distributed around the world.  
  
Now, the KILLER of all killers waits in the darkness…   
  
That something is…  
  
TRIFLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(screams) ooh scary! 


	2. Killer Trifles and Elves in green tights

Disclaimer: see chapter one.  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
Hannibal opened the front door and was surprised to find the evil, devious, but entirely innocent-looking, killer cardboard box on the doorstep.  
  
"Clarice! Look at this! UPS left us another package!" he cried, almost gleefully to Clarice.  
  
Starling didn't say anything because she wasn't listening. Orlando Bloom was prancing about elfishly in lord of the Rings 2 in green tights.  
  
"EX-SPECIAL AGENT STARLING!" doctor Lecter yelled.  
  
Clarice jumped up and hit the pause button at lightning speed and then poked her head out of the living room to look warily and the devious cardboard box.  
  
"Be careful, Hannibal! That box looks like it's made of cardboard!"  
  
*Clarice realises she has made a mistake and checks her script*  
  
"I mean... umm... Be careful, Hannibal! That box looks deviously cardboard and it's definitely cardboard!"  
  
*Wrong again*  
  
Lecter sighs.  
  
"Clarice! How can a box look devious? And it's a cardboard box! Of course it's made of cardboard!"  
  
"I don't know, Hanni! You'll have to trust me on this one!" Clarice reached for the scissors.  
  
"Wait." he abruptly stopped her from opening the deviously innocent-looking cardboard box, made of cardboard.  
  
"What is it now?" Clarice was suffering a lack of Orlando Bloom and was therefore snappish and grumpy.  
  
"You DO remember what happened last time?"  
  
"Yes, we'll just take a look, okay?"  
  
"No, let's take it to the police... leave it with them."  
  
"I don't believe this! Hannibal Lecter, fugitive and EX-most wanted, is actually telling me to take a box to the police!"  
  
"Leave it, Clarice." he said flatly in a tone that stopped all conversation for a moment.  
  
"Whatever."  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
At the police station, one nervous cannibal and one deprived Ex-FBI Agent (missing Orlando Bloom) walked up to the front desk.  
  
"What can I do for you?" the officer asked, fortunately he looked like Orlando Bloom, so Clarice was happy.  
  
"Hello!" she said, "Um... heh... We have a cardboard, devious box which possibly has a killer fruitcake from Hell in it."  
  
The officer began to laugh.  
  
"Killer cardboard boxes... devious fruitcake? You're crazy!" Hannibal's shoulders dropped at that comment. "There's NO such thing as killer fruitcake!"  
  
"FINE!" the doctor snapped rudely. "You open the blasted thing then!"  
  
"Oooookay, sure."   
  
The officer opened the box; he retrieved from it a holiday tin. Removing the lid, there was a pile of goo... On closer inspection, that pile of sticky matter was a trifle.  
  
"Uh-oh." Starling said as the trifle began to quiver.  
  
"D... Did it... Move?" The officer stammered.  
  
Suddenly, the trifle shot a blob of custard at the officers' face. Two other officers attempted to shoot it, but to no avail. The trifle stuck them to the ceiling with jelly (I'm English, Jell-O to America)  
  
Hannibal and Clarice ran... the corrupted trifle followed them speedily.  
  
At that moment, the trifle hit Hannibal and knocked him to the floor!   
  
Clarice began to chase the trifle around the street with a nearby traffic cone.  
  
"Damn you! You killer trifle from the devious box!" She yelled, brandishing the cone dangerously.  
  
Lecter managed to get up, he took a fuming Clarice Starling and they hid in a nearby shop.  
  
*~*~*~* 5 minutes later *~*~*~*  
  
The trifle stalked through the clothes racks silently, it did not see Hannibal Lecter and Clarice Starling blending in with the mannequins on the platform, Clarice trying to keep still.  
  
Suddenly, an advert for Lord of the Rings 2 came on the TV screens and Starling saw her chance...  
  
As Legolas did a somersault and kicked the Orc between the eyes, Clarice did the same to the trifle...  
  
As Legolas threw a spear, Clarice began to mash the trifle with a clothes rail, again and again and again...  
  
"Go Luce! Go Luce!" the good doctor began to act like a cheerleader as he watched her beat the trifle to a fine mush.  
  
When the trifle had been well and truly mashed, Clarice took the opportunity to 'think'. An idea struck her.  
  
"I have an idea!" she exclaimed.  
  
"The author just wrote that." he commented in a flat tone.  
  
"What if we eat the trifle?"  
  
"Are you really that hungry?"  
  
"No, but what if we kill it by eating it?"  
  
"NO, CLARICE!" Hannibal would not partake in such odd eating habits.  
  
Clarice scraped up the remains of the trifle and put it into a carrier bag and handed it to Hannibal. She turned and walked towards the exit. Suddenly, the trifle began to regenerate in the bag!  
  
"Erm... do you still have the receipt?" he asked as the trifle leapt out of the bag.  
  
"Huh?" said Clarice, not looking around.  
  
"I recommend running!" Lecter said as he ran past Starling. She chose to follow...  
  
"Where's Legolas when you need him?" Clarice went on.  
  
"Would you stop about Leg-less, okay?" an agitated Hannibal snapped at her.  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
When they got home, they took cover behind the sofa (after locking the door).  
  
"Wait a minute!" the good doctor thought aloud. "Why are we hiding? WE'RE the heroes of this story!"  
  
"Yeah! Was it not WE who defeated the devious fruitcake?" Agreed Clarice, recalling the occasion merrily. "But I was the heroine... not the hero!"  
  
"True."  
  
"I have an idea!" Clarice walked into the kitchen and emerged with the food processor. She plugged it in next to the telephone in the hall. "Ready?"  
  
"I am."  
  
"Okay, go!" Hannibal opened the front door, the deadly trifle flew straight into the blender, and Starling hastily switched it on. The trifle was mushed up, swooshed around and blended.  
  
"Well, that's that then."  
  
"Indeedy!" Clarice smugly agreed. 


	3. Epilogue

Disclaimer: see chapter one.  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
"Would you like a trifle smoothie, Clarice?" Hannibal asked smugly.  
  
"I'll go get the glasses!" Starling walked out to the kitchen.  
  
Lecter and Clarice sat thinking and drinking trifle smoothies in the living room, Lord of the Rings 2 was still on pause.  
  
"So, what next?" Asked the doctor, making conversation.  
  
"Well, first, I'm going to talk to Satan and suggest killer toasters with flaming toast," he nodded as she went on, "then I'm going to get our names taken off the mailing list."  
  
"Very wise..." agreed Hannibal, "Now, are you going to watch the movie?"  
  
"Sure, erm... where's the remote?"  
  
"No idea..."  
  
"Noooooooooo!"  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
Once more, thankyou to Coffee! *bows* Potato Balls! 


End file.
